A lesson I've been waiting for

For many months now I've been struggling with my life. My life choices and where I am at now. I remember when I was sixteen and my parents divorced I would often go over to my best friend's place so I could escape the "drama's" of my family and be with my best friend's "perfect family". She was so much support and everything I wanted to be This friend always seemed to have every thing "just right". Her family were still together, they seemed to love each other so much. She dressed perfectly, she had a job, and she had dreams. We would lie around at night in her room or on her trampoline in the backyard chatting about how wonderful our futures were going to be. She was going to go to America, I wanted to, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get a job. We would talk about the perfect returned-missionary(RM) Bobby BYU that we would each marry. Even better than that we would be sealed to in the Temple. We each dreamed of our perfect families; we even started to pick out names for them. These were some of the most treasured times in my whole life; and I always look back on them with happy thoughts. They enabled me to escape the disasterous life I really had. I was sexually abused, I had parents with mental health problems (a father who could be so loving and kind one moment and so abusive the next (I later found out that he was bipolar) and a mom who was cronically depressed and abusive. This was intensified by the fact that my older brother suffered from Friedrics Ataxia a disease that would kill him by the end of that year. This reinforced that this friend was my rock.
After my brother died, I needed space. I hated God; How could God take my brother away? I had fasted and prayed for him to be cured; I was even so arrogant that I refused to believe up until the moment the nurse came in to his hospital bedside and said that he was dead. How could God do that to me? Wasn't I worth answering prayers for? I pushed her away and we had a disagreement and things were said that to some extent were never completely overcome. My life became screwed up, it wasn't that I didn't believe in God; more that I felt he hated me and that I wasn't good enough to answer any prayers for.
To cut a long story short (which I will no doubt go back to at some point) my life became totally messed up when went away to university and following a car accident which caused me to return home my Branch President told me to marry the first guy that asked. That happened in a crazy mixed up way too. I dated a guy for awhile (only to find out he was dating my sister and another friend of this friend of mine at the same time). We broke up on the Wednesday, I went to church on Sunday and an RM asked me out that day. I said no, but he kept asking. In the end I said if he was still interested in a week we would go out. He was from out of town and he spent the week trying to find out where I lived. Sunday came, we went out, and he asked me to marry him that day. What??? Crazy I here you say. Yes it was. He was a Zone Leader on his mission and he seemed too good to be true. He was. We married civilly (he said he wanted it that way and I made nothing of it at the time). We had four beautiful children together (the first of which died after a few short hours). He was ................. (I can think of so much to say here, but I won't). We divorced and he married his mistress (I hate to say; in the Temple).
During that marriage my friend and I would cross pathes once again. Maybe God knew I needed to see her again, I don't know. During my third pregancy I developed the exact same condition (polyhydrominius) that had taken away my first child. One day I just walked into church (this was in the area I went to university at) and I ran into her, her husband and a beautiful little girl. Try as I may I couldn't help but being jealous. My husband was living several hours away in a capital city (he said it was so we could save money for our family; but it wasn't.)My husband wasn't there for me. This condition I was experiencing would cause me to be hospitalised for months, and even when I was moved to that capital city, my husband wouldn't come in to see me. I remember laying in bed sobbing about my friend. Why did it have to be now that our pathes crossed again (this traumatic pregnancy meant that I was unable to patch things up with her as she and her husband moved before I returned back) and why did she seem to have everything that I was missing out on????
Following my divorce, I married again. My husband is not Lds. However, he moved halfway around the world (from California) to be with me and I love him "to the moon and back". He has taken on the role of father for the children I had (my ex hasn't even seen these children since 2000, by his choice). We have had three more children (and a miscarriage). He has been with me through thick and thin. He is one of the first to help out with service projects and would give the shirt off his back to anyone in need. He acts more like an honorable priesthood holder than many I have seen (and I treat him as such). Nevertheless, I have to be honest and say that despite all this I have been left wondering why I haven't be "worth" all those things that my friend and I had dreamed about? This has been the question I have asked in my prayers so often.
Today we had a lesson in combined Relief Society and Priesthood that seemed to answer this for me. The Bishop gave a story from an old Ensign in which he spoke about a man who had prepared to go to Italy. This man had learn the language, saved and saved and made so many plans about what he would do when he go there. Finally the day came when he go on the plane and flew for many hours. When the plane touched down the message came over the intercom, "Welcome to Holland". The man screams and trows a fit; "Holland, Holland, I am not suppose to be in Holland. I have done everything I could to get to Italy, I don't even speak the language here." He is told that they are sorry, but there is nothing they can do and that is where he is suppose to be. Over time he learns the language, finds a place to live, and see alot of interesting things in Holland; but he still comes across people who are coming back from Italy and speak of their fantastic experiences. He wallows in self pity, wishing he were there. Then one day he finially stops and realises he is still living a wonderful life, he has met a wonderful person whom he can share his life with and he is EXACTLY where he is suppose to be.
I am exactly where I am suppose to be. I have a beautiful family, a husband I love and despite many challenges I am where I am suppose to be. For all the times I have looked over at other couples/ families I have known nothing. I haven't know what challenges they have faced, or their reality is like, or where their Italy really was; and for that I am sorry. I think it is time I really start to count my blessing; and say to my special friend from so long ago, that I am sorry. I am sorry I haven't been there for you. It was never about you, but about my wishing that I could be in Italy too. I had no right to think your life was perfect; I just figured that because I was so far from perfect that you would still get all of your dreams.

In the beginning

I have had a few blogs in the past (usually for university), I always thought I'd start one again that would simply be me. The reason that it has taken so long, is that I looked at everybody else's blogs and thought, why can't mine be perfectly designed like theirs? This led to me putting it off, and putting it off, until it finally hit me; I'm not perfect, neither is my life (mostly it is just multi-tasking and craming in as much as possible until I fall asleep in a heap each night). Well, I guess there will come a time when I learn how to make it as glossy and well planned as I want my life to be; but until then- it's just simply me.
Well, who am I? I am a mom of 8 (7 of whom are still on earth- my first born, Moses,  lived for just a few short hours because he was born prematurely (I often suffer from a condition called polyhydromious (or excess fluid around the baby when I am pregnant). I have had 3 boys first up and then a tribe of girls. My youngest daughter, Rebecca is just 14 months old. The others; Richard, James, Scarlett, Savannah, Caitlyn and Emily range keep me on my toes. I am luck enough to be sharing this time in my life with my husband, Mr D. He is an amazing man who is my best friend. He moved half way around the world to be with me and 5 children from my first marriage. He has raised them as his own and is more of a father than anyone else I have known.
I have been challenged over the years by reoccuring brain tumors; I am currently on my 3rd. This can mean that at times I suffer from incredible migranes and other health conditions which has slowed my graduation from the Bachelor of Community and Social studies that I have been studying for the past  nearly 5 years (I had planned on graduating in the normal 3 years that it was suppose to take but a baby and health issues have left me on the home stretch for the past year (I am on my final assignment in my final subject, but I find my fear of failure has stopped me from even moving forward and finishing it).I guess that will be something I will blog about almost as much as my family and my faith.
Well, I have started blogging again. We shall see where it goes :o)