Graduation

Despite many resevations about having to go this ceremony; I did it.

To Graduate or not to Graduate

I was lucky enough to finish an undergraduate Degree awhile ago. It was a Bachelor of Social and Community Studies. I put alot into again that degree. Part of the time I was working part-time whilst studying full time and being a mom to 7 and a full time wife. Some of the time I questioned why I was even trying to do this degree. Sometimes I would cry my eyes out; stressed that whatever work I was handing in wouldn't be good enough or exhusted because I had begged my family for time to complete an assignment for weeks and it didn't come so I had to pull all-night study whilst still doing the rest of the stuff I had to do. Sometimes my all-night study meant that I wouldn't sleep at all for 2 or 3 days. I LOVED the classes, and managed to get a great grade point average which got me on the Golden Key Honors Society and has gotten me into a Masters Degree (Social Work). But, I finished this Undergraduate Degree awhile ago. I have spent this year starting my Masters and withdrawing until next year because of Uterine Cancer. I have just gone through surgery (3 and a half weeks ago) and have been told to take things easy. I would love too, but juggling a family has not allowed me that opportunity. Now, I am suppose to be going through a Graduation Ceremony tomorrow to receive this Undergraduate Degree. I don't want to go!Excuses:- I finished it awhile ago and have moved on, I have NOTHING to wear, taking the kids there will be noisy and stressful, I have to hire a gown and that is going to cost $250, I would rather save the money for our trip to California (which is only 23 days away), I don't like the Lecturer who will be presenting the Degree, I don't like the way I am looking, it will be boring. This list will go on and on and on if I let it. I guess the underlying reasons I don't want to do this are that I am not happy with me, and I didn't finish this Degree "perfectly" (illness meant that I had to take a leave of absense and everybody I studied with have already been through this).

Apricot and coconut slice

Another quick and easy vegan recipe my family love is Apricot and coconut slice.

Ingredients 1 cup dried apricots chopped, 1 cup soft brown sugar, 1 cup Self raising flour 1 cup non dairy milk (we use soy) Place all ingredients in a bowl and stir. Then place mixed ingredients in a slice tray that has been lined with baking paper. Bake for 30-40 minutes in an oven set at 180oC or 356oF. Remove when golden brown. Dust with icing suar when cool.

Quinoa and Black Beans

I was watching Dr Oz on TV the other day whilst recouperating and he mentioned that that two "super foods" are quinoa and black bean. They happen to be in one of my family's favorite foods. My Quinoa and black bean takes only about 15 minutes to prepare and 35 minutes to cook and each time I cook it there is never anything left.

Ingredients • 1 teaspoon olive oil • 1 red onion, chopped • 3 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped • 1 cup uncooked quinoa • 2 cups vegetable broth • 1 teaspoon ground cumin • 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper • salt and pepper to taste • 1 cup fresh or canned corn kernels • 2 (15 ounce) cans black beans, rinsed and drained • 1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro Directions 1. Heat the oil in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Stir in the onion and garlic, and saute until lightly browned. 2. Mix quinoa into the saucepan and cover with vegetable broth. Season with cumin, cayenne pepper, salt, and pepper. Bring the mixture to a boil. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer 20 minutes, 3. Stir corn and black beans into the saucepan, and continue to simmer about 5 minutes until heated through. Add cilantro and serve.

Surgery

On Monday I finally had surgery.The surgery that I have been waiting two years for. The first thing the Dr said to me was that it wasn't in my head, that it was essential that I had that surgery. I came home yesterday and feel like any mom, that there are a million things I have to do. It's just that I can't do any of it for at least the next 6 weeks. I guess it is time like these I must remember to take things slowly. I also have to be able to work up the nerve to be able to give myself a daily injection. (Not looking forward to it). It's funny that the hospital just gave me a script and told me to give myself injections for the next 5 days. They didn't even show me how to do it (this doesn't bother me as I did nursing, but what if they did the same to another patient?). I am glad to be out of hospital and back with my family.

Lentil soup

When I was a kid one of our many family traditions over winter was toasted sandwiches and soup on a Saturday. Often our Nana and Pop would join us and it was a real family time. The soup was often tinned, and I wasn't a big fan of it, so I was suprised when about a year ago I found this recipe that I absolutely adore. Lentil soup

Ingredients 1 brown onion, finely chopped 2 celery sticks, trimmed, coarsely chopped 1 carrot, peeled, coarsely chopped 1 swede, peeled, coarsely chopped 1 garlic clove, crushed 1 tbs olive oil 115g (1/2 cup) red lentils 2 x 400g cans diced italian tomatoes (we like the ones with herbs and garlic), 1200ml (5 cups) vegetable stock 3 tsp ground cumin Other posibe variations: 1 bunch chopped kale 1 tsp chipotle powder Method: Brown onion and garlic in olive oil in a large saucepan, add celery, carrot, swede, garlic, lentils, tomato, stock and cumin (this is also when you can add kale and/ or chipotle powder). Cover and bring to the boil, reduce heat and simmer for 15-20 minutes or until vegetables are tender and soup is thick. Divide soup among serving bowls and serve.

Vegetarian to vegan

Last November I decided to switch from begin vegetarian to vegan. I have tried in the past, and failed. Although I have been a vegetarian since 10, and didn't drink milk or eat eggs (unless they were in something)I found it hard to go completely vegan. I would try for a few weeks and the smell of a cheese pizza or vegie lasagne would draw me in again. Just after my last birthday I decided to give it an honest try. My weight is huge and the junk food is killing me. Most of the rest of the family are vegetarian (except our 7 year old who loves meat), so it hasn't been that hard this time. Last night I cooked up Zucchini balls for the tribe, and James asked if I would share some recipes on my blog so he can use them when he is back at university. So here is the first of many vegetarian or vegan recipes the we use. Zucchini Balls

500g (17.6 oz)Grated Zucchini. pinch of salt, 1 small onion grated. 1 teaspoon, 1/2 cup fetta grated, 4 eggs lightly beaten, half cup plain flour (all-purpose flour). half cup Self-raising flour. 1 grated carrot. ground pepper to taste. Put all these ingredients in a bowl and stir till mixed. spoon balls of stuff in hot oil.; cook. These work well with greek yought, chive and garlic combine as a dip.

Our baby's birthday.

Becca is two. It has gone so fast. I can still remember Mr D by my side, and his first words as our little misfit was born. How I tried to hurry and felt so guilty because Mr D had a meeting he was suppose to attend that night. He told me nothing is more important than family. I saw that in the way that he looked a Rebecca that day. We now go through the terrible twos (and have been for awhile) in which she squeels so often in a way that goes straight through you. But she will always be our littliest princess.

Patience

How do you know when something is meant to be? On Monday I was awaiting surgery. A surgery that I have prayed about many times. A surgery I have waited nearly two years for. A surgery that the Drs now says that I have to have ASAP. Just as I was about to go into the surgical theatre they took my temperature again and said that I have a fever and I can't be operated on. Is that dumb or what? I know that the Surgeon was doing what is right, but I was left wondering if it is a sign that I should not go through with it at all. I think I sobbed for an hour. Today I woke up feeling like I have the flu. I think in this lifetime the thing that is my most important lesson is Patience; I just wish I could have it RIGHT NOW!

Surgery Monday

Well, the time has come. Surgery is scheduled for Monday. Surgery that frightens me. Surgery that I wish I could avoid. I can't help but think that after Monday I will be less of a person, a woman. If they do a hysterectomy the door will be closed forever. I have found myself thinking back to the times when I found out that I was pregnant with each and every one of my little blessings. The feeling of new, precious life growing inside of me. That is an experience that every woman should be blessed enough to have.

Speaking with our sweet neighbours the other day, I mentioned I would be going into hospital and I hoped they could help keep and eye on Mr D. I know he can handle the kids well; he is a wonderful Dad; but, I just wanted to know that there would be somebody there for him if he needs it. They asked about the surgery and if I was scared that it was cancer. I said I am not; strange, but I am not afraid of death. The idea of seeing my son, brother, Dad, Pop, Nana and Grandy leaves me feeling comforted. I am afraid of the pain. Waking from the operation to be met with incredible pain leaves me feeling like I should just cancel the surgery and endure to the end. I am thankful for each of my children. For the blessings of being a mom. For my husband and all that he does. I pray now from the strength to see my way through this and to love myself afterwards.

Family Birthday

Sometimes some habits never change. I took my mom out shopping on Friday because she has been sick and hasn't been out shopping in weeks. Mom decides to by banana's, white bread and heaps of frozen cheese burgers. As we are leaving she asks if I can stop at McDonald's where she brought herself some double cheese burgers. Last night we decide to take her out to a restaurant with the whole family for her 64th birthday (we also thought it might help cheer her up as she was just told she has emphysema because of her smoking :o( ). We order healthy food and she orders cheese burgers. So I guess no matter how much we love someone we always have our free agency.

Despite this it was a fun night. Richard came from Sydney with his partner, and Scarlett and her new partner came along; the only ones missing was James and his partner. Becca and Emily played on lots of games and had a great time. It was really nice to go out as a family. Happy birthday Mom; thank-you for bringing me to this earth and I hope you have many more happy years.

Going home

We picked up our tickets last night. We will be going "home" to California for our niece's wedding, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. Mr D is so stoked. It will be the first time Becky has been on a plane and the first time her Vo'Vo's (Grandparents) have seen her. I am sure she will charm them as much as she does us. Mr D told his mom and she is already planning to show us some houses in the neighbourhood that we can buy so we live there permenantly , (LOL; don't all mother-in-law's do that). I am going to focus on the good because I just got word that my surgery is scheduled for August 6th. So if I focus on the good the bad won't seem overwhelming, right?

Organizing

How much stuff do we collect??? How much do we think we need and never really use? I was fortunate enough to do my final year University project was on Domestic Squalor and Compulsive Hoarding and some of the things I found out really hit home. I was raised by loving parents who often fought over my mom's collecting of things. I am not refering to simple stamps or ornaments but rather stuff many of us would call junk. My parents divorced when I was 16, and after that point my mom's hoarding got worse. Endless boxes thoughout the house and clothes and junk. My mom now live in a retirement village and when we go to visit there is no where to sit because of the endless boxes, clothes and romance novels (we are talking nearly shoulder height). I have tried in the past to help my mom but it got us no where. I think that is why I love Mr D's organized life. If we don't use something we get rid of it. And when I think that perhaps we need to get extra clothing or toys to "just be prepared" Mr D just smiles and asks if we really need it. Although I must admit I do still get nervous when we have visitors I must admit our house is clean and organized. My bestfriend M.D is also super organized and always on time. Whilst she was here last week we were trading tips on habits we have for organizing our family/life. She loved the fact that I always fold sheet in a set and put them in a pillowcase so I just have to go to the cupboard and grab the pillowcase to make a bed. How do you keep things organized?

Job or no job?

I am not sure why; perhaps it was insecurity; Insecurity in my abilities; but today I went for a job interview. I just wanted to see if I still have what it takes to get a job (as I haven't worked since before Becky was born two years ago).It was a community organisation and they are offering over $50,000 (starting salary)but they want someone full-time. They seemed very interested in me and they asked me to come in for the interview just 20 minutes after I emailed them my application. I walked out of the interview and decided I didn't want the job. I guess I am enjoying being a mom right now.Is that dumb? I realise that us both working would make us economically better off, but am left wondering what it would cost our family. It's school holidays here now. And it is nice to just have the family around.James came home for 2 weeks from university. It was good to see him; I don't think any of the kids realise how much I miss them when they are gone. Richard is suppose to be coming down next weekend for Nanna's 64th birthday.We are planning on taking her out to a restraurant. Last week I had my best friend from High School come and stay here with two of her kids. My friend and I have known each other since we were 13 years old and she is the one that I trust with most of my lifes secrets.She is the one I have turned to each tiime I have experienced trouble. For just a few days we were able to just go out and chat and be ourselves. That felt good. I think I need to get more time like that.

Mr D's new job

Mr D has always been a computer geek. Anything technical and he is on it. He worked in the Silicon Valley and he worked with weapons guidence system for the U.S in Iraq (I bagged him out about that one). Recently he decided to take a career change. A pay cut and He decided to "give back". Mr D has accepted a job working as a supervisor with disabled people who are re-making bikes for the community. I was shocked. Throughout the years Mr D has said that as a community worker I am a bleeding heart. I am the type of person who has always brought the strays home, and wondered what cause I could help with next. Once again he is the one that teaches me lessons. He is the one the kids will wake in the middle of the night. He is the one who will take us all on a mystery adventure. He will listen to my crazy ideas; laugh, and then rationally explain why it couldn't possibly work. He is usually the first one up in the morning & often the last in bed a night. He is the athletic one who challenges me when I get lazy. He loves music, that most wouldn't even understand. He is not afraid to cry; like when our dog Raider had to be put down. He will wear a tie to church even when he hates ties. He is usually always on time. He plans things in advance; even to the point of laying out his clothes the night before. His clothing cupboard is perfect; even color co-ordinated. He eats vegetarian food, despite being raised a meat eater. He texts me for no reason. He stands up at the table until I sit down when we go out to eat. He will open a door for me. He moved half way around the world for me. He is full of suprises and I love him. I don't know how his first day will go today, but I know I am in awe of him. Thank-you Mr D for being a great husband, father and friend. And Happy U.S Father's Day

Poverty in our city

As I walked out of the Mall pushing my shopping and racing to pick up the children, I noticed a woman (in her twenties)sobbing with a small child on her hip. She was talking with a man who looked like he had stopped to ask her what her problem was. The thought crossed my mind that I should help her. I have often seen people in need & I am sorry to saw; I pause....& think too much before helping. Mr D is the complete opposite. I remember when we were dating, we were all dressed up nicely to go out to eat in Sydney and as we walked toward the restruant a motorcyclist came off his turning bike in the middle of the intersection. The road was busy, but Mr D didn't pause. He ran out straight onto the road and assisted the rider. As the biker stood he toward over Mr D & the bike was huge. The biker & Mr D stuggled to lift the heavy bike, but they worked together & the cyclist was on his way. I paused. I didn't help. Would the biker want my help? Would I be in the road? All my doubts stopped me helping. I turned back to help the woman, & she was gone. Once again I thought, I had waited too long. I should have just helped. After packing the groceries away in my car I looked up & saw this woman approaching another person. She seemed very hesitent to approach anyone. I decided to stop thinking & just act. I went to her & asked if I could help. She explained that her partner had left them on the weekend & had cleared out their bank account. She had only found out when she had gone with her daughter to buy groceries & there wasn't a cent left in their account. I asked if she had gone to the local welfare groups as I could take her there if she needed. She said that they had but help would be a day or so away. Her little daughter looked to be about 3 years old. She looked well looked after & saddened by her mothers problems. As we spoke she told her mom that she was hungry. I felt that all I could do was to hand her some money. She seemed surprised that I handed her $20 insted of small change. But, I remember being in similar situations when my first marriage ended. No I didn't beg; but I was overwhelmed & we were left with no money, most of our furniture gone & no food. I wished I could have done more. I pray that this family is taken care of. Amen.

A cute message

Last night as I sat in bed. I really felt that I should contact my eldest children; Richard, James & Scarlett. I try not to pester them & contact them every day or even every week. They are growing up so fast & they seem to be on their own journies, so to have mom contacting them all the time would probably just bother them. I sent them messages & although I only heard back from James it made my night. He sent me this link He said it reminded him of me. I always dreamed of working with communities like this. That is one of the main reasons I originally studied nursing. I love my kids!!

A wake up call

Sometimes when we focus on one thing we get distracted by other things. I have really been trying to focus on renovating and motherhood, whilst not keeping a promise to Mr D. Awhile ago I promised him that I would focus on my health. This is something I like to avoid. When everything seemed too much with study and life I agreed to slow down. I thought that magically things would go back to really wonderful. I have had nine preganancies in my life (including a miscarriage and a neonatal death), three brain tumors and endless other health problems that others get (such as tonsilitis, appendicitice, allergies etc). After we had little Becky, nearly two years ago, I noticed I wasn't recoving as quickly as I thought I should. I went to the the Dr several times. Medications were prescribed to stop the endless bleeding. A D&C was done. Nothing has worked. Prior to falling pregnant with Becky I had been forced to have annual pap smears because of irregularities. I had thought nothing of it. When I casually brought this up with my sister after Becky was born I found out that she had been treated for uterine cancer just a few years ago. I mentioned this to my Dr and she referred me to a specialist. The medical system is overloaded here and I only just got in to see him about a month ago. His news wasn't good. The type that my sister has is predominently genetic. He can't tell me if I have it without a biopsy. He recommended that at the time of the biopsy, that I have either laser surgery to remove the lining of my uterus or a hysterectomy. The laser surgery won't prevent a growth in the future.I asked for time to think about it. Last week I finally found the strength to share this with Mr D. He was shocked, but supportive. He asked if he could come to the speek with the surgeon as well. We dragged little Becky along and tried to find the answers. I guess there are no concrete answers at this time. I have agreed to undergo the biopsy and to follow up with a hysterectomy if they discover anything. The surgeon said it will probably be about July/August before the hospital can fit me in. In the mean time I wait, & pray. I think I am more threatened with the realisation that Mr D & I will never have another little one. Crazy, I know. I have loved this experience with him and I love my family so much. I am still acting like there in nothing wrong to all my friends, and I will still go on being me. I just felt it was time I actually shared it and stopped denying it to myself.

Renovating

I am a hopeless Librian. I am romantic. Sentimental. Equalitarian and most annoyingly indecisive. We moved just over a year ago into a beautiful (but still full of potential)house that we are slowly trying to make into a home. Recently we decided to change the look of the house by ridding ourselves of annoying curtains that seemed to attract dust and put up venetian blinds. This has made the whole house look much more lightfilled and inviting. I especially like the white wood blinds. Mr D started taking down the shabby fencing and adding my white picket fence (I always dreamed of a home with a white picket fence). Then two weeks ago I made a comment about how crowded our room was with our large but beautiful wooden bed.The bed had been our first ever brand new bed and it had come from my Nanna (so it held alot of sentimental value- to me anyway)

Mr D agreed that it was crowding our room and suggested that we sell it. We advertised it, two bedside draws and a dressing table on a local internet site. It was sold (sight unseen) in just 44 minutes. The last few days we have been sleeping on the floor whilst we wait for a bed Mr D ordered to arrive.

Today we went and found a earth tone paint and Mr D is painting our room. I hope I like it. I hate changes. Will it be too much of his style and not my style? I guess only time will tell.

The weather has started to get cold already. It feels like winter is going to be freezing. I haven't wanted to get out much. Possibly because we are trying to redecorate and are sleeping on the floor whilst it happens, or partially because Mr D hasn't been in the best of spirits lately. So today I decided to give him the day off. I took Miss Becky out for the morning. She had a ball. It was good to be out, just the two of us.

......and April flew away. I thought dropping down to two Uni subjects would be enough but I found that I had so many headaches I was left feeling anxious and stressed. One day I heard little Becky as I was typing away going "Mommy, mommy, look at me". I turned around to see that she was playing with a toy drill in her mouth, dancing away to Giggle and Hoot on TV. I had to laugh; she looked so cute. Each day I had been running around so fast trying to get Uni stuff done and trying not to feel the overwhelming pain from these headaches, that it felt like I had been barely living- just surviving. I spoke with Mr D about withdrwing from uni. He says it is postponing it, not quiting. I hope he is right. I pray he is right.For it has been about two weeks since I withdrew and I am already starting to feel a bit down about it. I started on new medication for these overwhelming migraines. I have tried it before but stopped it because initally it can make me alittle confussed and make it hard for me to focus or concentrate, and I had found that impossible whilst at uni. Now I am trying it and hoping the side effects will subside quickly. Now to be a full time Mom for awhile...............................................................................................

Elephant in the tent

"once upon a time an elephant approached a man in a tent & asked if he could enter the tent.
No, you are too big; said the man.
The elelphant went away & thought for awhile, then returned to the man.
I know you say I am too big for your tent, but it is very cold out here. Could I please just put my trunk in your tent, it wouldn't take up much room; said the elephant.
The man thought for a moment & then agreed.
You are so generous, & this tent has done a wonderful job of warming my tent. Could I please just put one of my cold feet into your tent? The elephant asked.
The man agreed.
This continued, piece by piece of the elephant until all of the elephant was in the tent except his tail.
Elephant ask; My tail is the smallest part of me, it would take much room to just bring it inside too. The man reluctantly agreed & he fell out of the tent into the cold."
I rememeber this story from my childhood & it visits me often. When I met Mr D I remember sharing it with him because life seemed so hectic back then. (He laughed & laughed thinking I was completely nuts, with my crazy stories).
Once again my life feels like I have become that man. I have had reservations about taking on too much, so I tried for small pieces, & the elephant has come back in my tent.
Seven children is a feat in itself. School activities, homework, soccer mom etc, etc. A Master's degree is a massive feat; I thought I would just try to take it day by day, the massive amounts of reading, papers, presentations etc. Church asked if I would consider a calling. Our new/old car that we just brought ended up needing a whole new engine, just 10 days after we brought it. And the list goes on.
On Thursday, I went back to the car dealer's with Mr D & recieved the bad news of the immenant replacement motor, whilst 4 chapters from that days classes sat back at home not being read. Preparing for class that afternoon, it felt like a sharp pain in my chest hit me once again. It was then that I remembered this story. I remembered my Patriachal Blessing; which in short assured me that I can achieve the rightous desires of my heart if I approach them prayerfully & with great faith.
To cut this long story short; I know that I can be a good mom, wife, daughter, Lds woman and still finish my Masters degree; If i approach it prayerfully & don't try to run faster than I have strength for. I have dropped back to part time study; I will still get my Masters- it will just take 3-4 years insted of 2. In doing so I will get to enjoy being a mom to my cherubs.

Just some of the reasons I want to slow down & enjoy life

Groundhog Day

Have you ever had a time when life seems to be just like this movie? Each day starts at exactly the same time. The kids get up at the same time. They argue over breakfast (who is having what). They argue scream and fight over the littlest things. Your husband and you barely seem to be doing anything else other than functioning.
That is exactly what it feels like for me right now. Mr D and I are so frustrated over Emily's behavior. Emily can be so sweet one minute and then turn into a little rat the next. This week we have drawn on walls; flooded the school toilets; lost two drink bottles, a lunch box, a hat and an icepack at school; wet the bed (and her room); bit her sister, and the list goes on. Not bad for a 6 year old?? We have taken her to the Drs, the psychologist, the school counsellor and we have been asked to take her to the Pediatrician. Mr D thinks there must be a reason behind her challenging behavior; I think she is just spoilt.
Although I know every child can be challenging; I have never felt so frustrated in trying to get through to one of my children.
The rest of the week hasn't been too bad. I am preparing to start back at University next Wednesday. The others are all settling in back at school ok (finally). Caity even made a friend that she met whilst trying to save an ant from a basketball court (lol). Her new friend is in all her classes and hates Justin Beiber, loves Manga and is a vegetarian just like Caity. (what a sigh of relief).
Now to break from what is feeling like a Groundhog Day??!?? How to break that repetitive cycle of everyday life?

I love…

books.

Rain.

Babies.

West Side Story.

Marlboro Man’s goatee.

Travelling across the world.

Dry humor.

Slapstick humor.

Friday evening.

Casey Affleck.

The beach.

Mountains.

Prairie.

Abstract art.

Jeans.

Gone With the Wind.

Oprah.

Napoleon Dynamite.

The Eighties.

My sister.

My brother.

John Denver.

Silence.

Solitude.

My daughters.

My sons.

Blue.

When Harry Met Sally.

Barry Manillow.

Staying home.

Vegan pizza.

Joaquin Phoenix.

Soy ice cream.

Mozart.

Pickles.

Prank calls.

Older people.

Children of a Lesser God.

Guys and Dolls.

Dryer sheets.

My husband.

Driving Miss Daisy.

Lemon zest.

Il Divo.

Cilantro.

Butterflies.

Sweet and sour sauce.

Pink hair.

Blue hair.

Purple hair.

Sliding Doors.

Vocabulary.

The smell of rain.

Doughnuts.

Old hymns.

My grandparents.

Yoga pants.

David Bowie.

American History.

Gilligan’s Island.

Calves.

Horses.

Rosehip oil Make-Up.

Kindness.

Chanel No 5.

My mother-in-law.

My nephews.

My nieces.

Brown eyeliner.

Christmas Eve.

White towels.

Paulo Freire.

My parents.

Cooking.

Les Miserables.

Blogging.

Nerds.

Teenagers.

Chap sticks.

My husband’s arms.

The English Patient.

Royal Doulton.

Faith.

Adele’s voice.

Dresses over jeans.

Boots over leggings.

Mismatched silverware.

Early morning. I think.

Sense & Sensibility.

Tofu recipes

Baked vegies.

Anywhere But Here

Potatoe Chips.

Fresh ginger.

Mother Teresa.

Ponytails.

White/Silver hair.

Roses.

Watermelon.

Dahlias.

Cherry blossoms.

Orange blossoms.

Diet Pepsi.

Cotton.

Where the Heart Is.

Friends.

Camping.

Family.

Laughter.

Noam Chomsky.

Diet Dr Pepper.

(In no particular order being the operative phrase.)

Monday morning struggle

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. As a teenager I used to day-dream about having a secret admirer that would send me a romantic card for valentine's day. That has never happened.Not much hope of that changing as Mr D is far to "practical" for that. Although it saddens me to admit it; I anticipate that tomorrow will go off without incident.
This morning the tribe stuggled to meet the morning. Savannah and Caity barely made it on time for their bus. Emily's routine never changes; I tell her to do something, I tell her again, and again and then I end up doing it half an hour later. I don't remember ever being like that as a child. I don't mean I was perfect; just, that if I was told to do something I usually did it. Have parents always felt this way???
Today Mr D is going to look at another motorcycle and Becky and I are spending the morning together and baking bread. I love the smell of freshly baked bread in the house. It make it smell like a home. I think I will try to make some yummy lentil soup for dinner to go with this yummy bread.
Mommy stuff, I know. But I do love being a mom, no matter how many struggles there seems to be. Maybe I am thinking along these line because next week I start on my Masters Degree. I am both excited and scared. I want to lean, I love knowledge. Although each time I do I find that my other responsiblities seem to increase. My mommy ones. I read an article the other day which was saying that mom's have even less time to themselves these days than their parents or grandparents. The amount of mom's I see trying to fit in a full time job, full time motherhood and being a wife is amazing. When a husband gets a full time job the family fits around him; but when women work they seem to have to work around their families. I am trying to despirately plan things out. I have routines (they are flexible but I still try to follow them as best I can). Days for washing linen (clothes are done at least twice a day), a meal plan, shopping schedules, cleanings plans. If it is planned out, why does it still feel a huge load???

Back to the grind.

Perhaps I jumped the gun. At the start of the week I thought Caitlyn would handle the transition to High School. She even said it was fine. Soon after I posted last she came into our bedroom and told us that it was horrible, that she couldn't sleep (it was midnight by then; so I must admit I was exhusted), and that she wasn't even going to try to make friend's at her new school. This theme has continued with her all week.
Savannah has antagonized the situation further by trying to "find Caitlyn friend's". I know Savannah means well, and that she is a peer group leader at school but I must admit if my sister had tried this with me...... I don't know what I would have done.

Emily on the other hand; bounded into school and is loving it. She started in a new class, with none of her old friends, but remarkably she has just taken it in her stride.
I guess it all goes to show that children are all individuals.

Caity's first day at High School

Today Caitlyn started High School (year 7). Last year we moved to the otherside of the city and Caity would bus it across town at 7am to get to school. I really admired her determination as it was often 5pm before she made it back home here each day. That was a really long day for somebody who was 11 years old. Savannah transfered across to the local High School last April so she was use to this school before her final year of High School. I was really worried about Caity as even on open day she didn't seem to fit in. She told me that she spent the whole day listening to her ipod and hated her new school; so I was thrilled when she greated me with a smile today and told me her new teachers are awesome.I had to change schools 13 times in 13 years as my family moved around alot, so I have tried to create stability in these kids lives. Tomorrow Emily starts back in grade one. Lets hope that this goes off without incident.
Today was also the Super Bowl, so I took Emily and Rebecca out shopping so Mr D could watch it in peace. The girls were a handful but I was glad that I took them out. This year it seems like there are so many school supplies that I have had to get. It always seems like a budgeting exercise that never gets any easier. I also found myself wondering if I am going to be able to juggle enough time to share with these two when university goes back. I told Mr D that if I can't I will drop down to part time so I can get the chance to be the best mom I can be. Does that sound like an excuse??? I hope not.

Doubting me

How do you know when what you are doing in your life is right; I mean truely right?? Alot is happening in my life right now and I am trying to believe what I am doing is right; I even pray about it but I am left still not believing in myself or what I am doing. Today is the 28th anniversary of my (and my brother Steven and sister Kathy's) baptism. I remember being so happy that day. I remember being so very committed to the Church at that time. I would have given my life for it; not one doubt. As I have mentioned before, I spent several year away from the Church after a series of events in my life. Steven's death that same year, my son's death and the break-up of a disaterous marriage to a RM who I thought I would spend Eternity with. During that time and the time after I had a number of really horrible encounters with other Priesthood leaders that caused my to withdraw completely. Then, last year I decided it was time to try to come back to the only Church that I have ever believed in. Savannah joined the Church soon after this and it felt like we had a special bond. It was like Savannah understood somethings that the rest of the family (non members) could not. Despite trying, and doing some studying I find that I still feel empty. I attend Church regularly, but sort of don't feel I completely fit in. I wish I had that same passionate belief that I once did.
I also find it hard to totally believe in me. I have just finished an Undergraduate Degree (a Bachelor of Social and Community Studies) and I have been offered the chance to study a Masters in Social Work. Why do I not believe that I am worth it?
Yesterday Mr D made some comments on his Facebook page about how proud he is of me. It was sort of like he wanted the world to know that I achieved what I set out to do and he was so very proud of me. I cried as I read his comments. Did I deserve this? Why can't I believe for a moment that I am exactly where God would have me be? And that I am worth it?
I pray, more than anything, that I can believe in me. That I can show my tribe that their mommy is worth something and that they can achieve anything they set their minds to.

Remodeling

Today we finally start remodeling the house. I have resisted for over 9 months and finally gave in. Mr D and I will start with the pantry. I like bulk/years supply. So we need one big pantry for one big family.
The weather has finally improved so the kids can go outside and not be under-foot. Today the pantry.......tomorrow????

Mr D's birthday

School holidays are almost finished. On Monday Caitlyn will start year 7. It seems like yesterday when we enrolled her in kindergaten and she strolled in and proudly told us we were not needed anymore and to go home. They grow up so very fast.She seems alot more nervous about starting High School. I hope she loves it as must as Savannah and James did.
Today is Mr D's Birthday. He wants to down play it, but we are going out to a family restaurant with the kids to celebrate (both the birthday and the fact that we survived school holidays).We went to Henry's Family restaurant, although the food wasn't very good the kids loved the games room. We came back home for a nice bithday cake. Becky loved to toast Daddy with a glass of soda.

The weather here is cold and rainy, which is strange for this time of year in Australia. I think we would both musch rather curl up in bed with a good book (and each other) than go out, but I we are getting pretty stir crazy been home so much in this weather.
I also got accepted to the Australian Catholic University to undertake a Masters of Social Work. I am both thrill and nervous at the same time. Thrilled that I get to learn some more; I love studying. But nervous as it means juggling study, family and life once again. I have enrolled full time (and that takes two more years) but I am willing to cut down to part time once again if my family need me. It is looking like a challenging year, but one that I am looking forward to.

Theme for the year???

We are not even through the first month of 2012 and already it seems like I can't help but count my blessings. Sure, like Christmas there are times when I can't help but scream with frustration with the tribes behaviour. In the past week these have included;
-they are still on school holidays for another week and although I love them dearly; they can drive anyone nuts!!!
-Becky is teething and seems to want us to by her side continually
-Caitlyn can walk out of a Fun Park or movie theatre and say with a sigh how bored she is
-Emily decided to remove all of Mr D's tiny chillis from the plant
-and Mr D has his moments when he seems overwhelmed with all that he is facing).
But mostly I am so very thankful for all that we have.
Mr D went out and brought me a "soccer mom" car. It's a beautiful second hand Mazda MPV automatic. I remember years ago when Mr D moved over here and we were looking for a car I listed that as my dream car. Sometimes he suprises me with what he remembers.
The other day I was reading a fellow Bloggers blog and was reminded that we are all on seperate journies and I should count my many blessings.
I often read Naomi Ellis blog at http://www.sevencherubs.com . Anyother mom with seven children deserves to have hats taken off to them. The thing that I am learning more and more is that blogging is also a community that can support one another through thick and thin. Naomi mentioned a fellow Lds blogger that has just come into one of the hardest times of her life. Four months ago Lisa lost her beautiful son and on Australia Day she suddenly lost her husband.Her blog is;http://lisajking.blogspot.com/ and donations can be made through
http://www.mycause.com.au/mycause/raise_money/fundraise.php?id=50028
I am so blessed at the moment. I am thankful for Mr D and all of the tribe. I am thankful that I was able to get through a University Degree whilst still being a mom. I am thankful for all that I have.

Counting Blessings

I am impatient. I am a perfectionist. And lately these to things have been coloring my life.
Since I submitted my assignment I have been watching and watching and watching my University web site to see if I would be good enough to pass. If God would grant this miracle. I have lost count (after about 30 times each day) about how many times I would log on, see nothing was there, bag myself out and try to focus on other stuff in my life this past two weeks. Mr D has been so encouraging and has tried to get me to have patients, but my stubborn pigheadedness has made it hard. Finally yesterday I decided to try to just let it be.
We just heard that our car has been written off by our insurance company because they undervalue our car. Four years ago we struggled to get a loan, and with much prayer we were granted the opportunity to get a loan for a family car. The car was over $10,000 and interest rates were high so we paid it off in a little over a year. We kept up the care of that car and had it fully insured. The insurance company contacted me yesterday to say that they were going to write off the vehicle because repairs were going to cost more than $5500 and that they value the car at less than $5000. Is that nuts?? How can car insurance companies do this?? The world did seem like a tough place yesterday.
All this time, we tried to have faith; we just wanted Heavenly Father to do it in our time.
I saw this this morning;

Maybe this is the message I was meant to see. I decided to let Heavenly Father do it in his time. As I decided this, we found a car (and the money to pay cash)that we will look at this afternoon. I also just recieved an email from my lecturer stating that she has maked my final paper. I have been given a Distinction.
Maybe it is time that I remember D&C 84: 81 and 88 which said; “Therefore, take ye no thought for the morrow, for what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, or wherewithal ye shall be clothed . . . for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”
We are blessed.

Lessons in life

Sometimes we get taught lessons when we least expect it. The last week has been a week full of lessons for me.
Mr D managed to get the test results back and it looks like a disease called Sarcoidosis. Although I found this a bit of a shock I am feeling comforted by both Mr D's positive attitude and the feeling that God is not far from us. Mr D wants to fight this condition with a positive attitude, medical help and a life style change. So we are trying to eat alot better and to make better lifestyle choices.
Last Monday we decided to just up and go across to the coast for the day. I was so happy that we could (I love just grabbing things at the spur of the moment and taking off away from our everyday problems). We headed across to the Bay and had a beautiful day. The kids love the beach and Becky has no fear. She would chase the waves with pure delight. The carnival was on again and we decided to go when it got dark. The smell of the sea air and the joy on the kids faces was priceless. It was after 10pm when we headed back home. I hit a kangaroo about an hour from home and the car wouldn't start up again. The kangaroo wasn't huge but it managed to do significant damage to the front of the car. We had to have it towed back home and I had to call Scarlett and her partner to come and get the rest of us.
As we drove back home Emily chatted with Scarlett about all the excitment of the carnival rides, and I just watched. It suddenly hit me that my eldest daughter (who turned 18 two days after this) was all grown up. Scarlett is head-strong and determined; so much so, she moved out of home about 18 months ago. My mother has encouraged her wayward behaviour (but that is another story) and Scarlett lives with my mother (some of the time)and her boyfriend (the rest of the time). However, for the first time since she has moved out I actually looked "at Scarlett". I may not approve of her lifestyle choices but she is still my daughter and I love her with all my heart. I saw myself at 20 (when I married her father). Although we were married we still acted like kids, we traveled alot and he was the center of my universe (just like I saw in Scarlett and her partner). I guess these are the lessons we learn in life; we have the freedom to choose and it is up to us what we make of our lives. Scarlett sat there, obviously head over heals in love with her partner; but still loving her family enough to come out after midnight, drive miles and miles to come and help us out. I couldn't help but look at her with pride.
Today is also my eldest son, Richard's birthday. He turns 21 today. Time has gone by so fast. I still rememeber watching the video "Pretty Woman" the night before he was born, as I started to go into labor. I wondered what life would offer him. Where would he be in the years to come? Once again I can't help but thank Our Heavenly Father for my many many blessings and my beautiful family. I am so glad that families can be together forever.

Mr D

I am still on somewhat of a high since I managed to submit that final assignment. I honestly felt it was impossible. I haven't heard back from my lecturer to even say that she has recieved it, so already I am finding the negative voices in my head saying; "you know she won't accept it", "you should have written that section differently" or "will I even pass"? I need to snap out of it and think possitively.
The day before yesterday my husband, Mr D, managed to go to see our family Dr. He hads had swollen ankles since the day before christmas, and with his blood pressure problems I was worried. The Dr is unsure of what he has and is doing endless tests. I went to see her yesterday (for something completely different) and she cautioned me that Mr D is in for the long haul (till he gets better) and that she is refering him on to a specialist. He is still in a relatively positive mood, despite feeling exhusted. I pray that things get better and that the Lord won't remove him from my life for a long, long time. It seems that most of the men in my life the Lord has other purposes for and removes them one by one (my brother, my Grandy, my son,my Dad,and my Pop have all been taken from me and each time it has felt like I have lost alittle bit of me with them). I don't think I could handle another loss. Mr D says that I shouldn't worry but I can't help it. As we have talked today told I have found myself watching him more closely; watching the smile in his eyes and the cute frown he gets when he doesn't understand what it is that I am saying :o). He is my soul mate; the man that I would like to spend eternity with. He is one of the many blessings that I have in my life.

Seize the day!

I must admit I often try things, do very well at things and then find myself overcome with the fear of failure to the point where I do fail significantly. Once when I was in year 10 at High School I was about to take an accounting exam. Up until this point accounting had been a walk in the park for me. My teacher even joked with me saying that the exam meant nothing to me as my class mark to this point was 98%; he said that even if I bombed out I would cruise through with at least a B for the subject. Suddenly I found myself overcome with a fear that I would be able to achieve the grade that was expected of me and I went in to that exam and froze. Soon after we sat at our desks I found that my fear beacme so powerful that I became blind. I could discern light from darkness and colors in that general area but I was unable to even see me pencil. This continued throughout the whole exam and for an hour afterwards. This caused a problem as the exam was held on the top floor of our school so I had to feel my way down the staircase to get outside. I felt like such an idiot. My exam paper had been left without a mark on it. And my teacher told me that he was extremely disappointed in me and assumed that I failed to fill in my paper because I was being arrogent.
Although I was never over come with temporary blindness again similar experiences happened often happened throughout University. Upon graduating High School I was accepted to do a Law Degree at the top University in Australia and my mother forced me to do nursing because "real Mormon women only need careers that will carry you over until you get married." When I did attend University to do a Nursing Degree my grades were always in the top two students in the class. By the end of the first year I was sitting on straight A's. On the day of the final exam I was involved in a car accident and forced to go home to recouporate over the summer break. When I returned to sit that final first year exam I froze and terms that I was completely familiar with elluded me. I left that exam room and went straight back to my home town and marriedthe first RM who asked me.
I tried to finish this degree on a number of occasion and each time I was met with health problems (primarily pregnancy problems or a brain tumor). When I divorced I tried to gain a Law Degree but found that I always felt guilty that I was leaving the children in childcare or with their nanna so I quit again after the first year. I married again and I started a Psychology degree which I left after I fell pregnant again (our miricle baby because the Dr told us we would not be able to have another baby.)During the pregnancy I took up studying International relations, but a University mistake left me out of the course after taking a semester off.
By this point I felt that I was a jack of all trades and a master of none. I decided to give it one last chance at achieving my dream; to get a University Degree and I attempted to enroll in a teaching degree. To cut a long story short the course was full, but I was able to attend if I enrolled in another degree and just signed up for each of the teaching subjects (then I could transfer over after the first year). No problem, I thought.
I found a Bachelor of Community Education Degree in the same faculty and applied to attend. I was honest during my interview and explained that I was just enrolling so I could transfer accross to teaching at the end of the year. The Course co-ordinator agreed to enroll me if I just took the Bachelor of Community Education subjects for the first term. With a smile on her face she agreed to sign the transfer papers after one semester if I would just give this degree "my all" for one semester. A walk in the park I thought. So I signed up and commence the Bachelor of Education. I stumbled (because my 3 month old baby was very ill after a traumatic birth) and took the first semester off. I started again the very next semester (with an overwhelming fear that I would just quit again). I desided to try to look at this degree differently. It wasn't a 3 year degree; it was one semester at a time. I convinced myself that the degree was just a series of courses that I was doing for one semester. My grades were wonderful and I was accepted into the Honor Society after just one year. I was the first one in my Degree to achieve this in the first year. Everybody praised me and told me how lucky and talented I was. Everybody, except me. Internally I told myself that it was just luck; that I would freeze again; or that it was just a mistake. I convinced myself that I was worthless. As each semester past the fear intensified. I was a mom to 6 children at that stage, attending University full time and working three days a week. The more I took on; the more I tried to sabotage my success. Things did stumble even further when I was harrassed at work. I quit my job and was afraid to leave my room for weeks. My lectures allowed the late submission of my work and I continued on at Uni until I found that these feelings of worthlessness had been intensified when I was verbally abused at work. This all occured during what was to be my final year of Uni and I withdrew from all but one subject. The next year (2010)I tried to undertake my final subjects (a placement) and I found it difficult to feel confident enough to be able to communicate with my supervisor. And when I did try to communicate he often misunderstood what I meant and became offended. He withdrew from his role of supervisor just two months before my project ended (as I was pregnant again and he felt that I should be focused on just staying at home with the children. John had left his job at this time to be a full time Dad for our children to give me the opportunity to complete my degree, so I felt that for two months I would be able to juggle the load.) At this time I was down to my final subject and I became very sick with problems with my tumor and a virus that I contracted just after the birth of our last child. I didn't have a supervisor, I was ill and I convinced myself the race was over.
It was at this point that I was lucky enough to attend a Time out For Women Sydney seminar. Laurel Christenson spoke with such passion on the subject of giving up and quitting. I was inspired by each and every word that Laurel shared.I left that seminar feeling that I could take on the world. Although it has taken me nearly 5 months; I have plodded along trying to meet this goal. My health problems have continued to worsen (although I must wonder if stress is playing a part in this struggle?). A friend from church has suffered from Chronic Fatigue (like I have at the moment, coupled with another unrelated tumor that I must wait for surgery on) and she inspired me to take things one day at a time and not beat up on myself (Thanks, Lauren).
Today I finished that final project (all 20,480 words plus 14 Appendices of it!) I have managed to finish a race that I normally withdraw from. I seized the day and it feels FANTASTIC. I am exhusted from pulling an all-nighter and not sleeping for the past 40 hours, but I don't have to hide anymore; I don't have that project looming over my head. Whatever the future brings I have completed a Degree that I never dreamed that I had the stamina to finish. Even if the lecturer refuses to accept it, because of its lateness (I have medical certificates); I HAVE finished this race!!! One day, I will be up there speaking as a motivational speaker.