Seize the day!

I must admit I often try things, do very well at things and then find myself overcome with the fear of failure to the point where I do fail significantly. Once when I was in year 10 at High School I was about to take an accounting exam. Up until this point accounting had been a walk in the park for me. My teacher even joked with me saying that the exam meant nothing to me as my class mark to this point was 98%; he said that even if I bombed out I would cruise through with at least a B for the subject. Suddenly I found myself overcome with a fear that I would be able to achieve the grade that was expected of me and I went in to that exam and froze. Soon after we sat at our desks I found that my fear beacme so powerful that I became blind. I could discern light from darkness and colors in that general area but I was unable to even see me pencil. This continued throughout the whole exam and for an hour afterwards. This caused a problem as the exam was held on the top floor of our school so I had to feel my way down the staircase to get outside. I felt like such an idiot. My exam paper had been left without a mark on it. And my teacher told me that he was extremely disappointed in me and assumed that I failed to fill in my paper because I was being arrogent.
Although I was never over come with temporary blindness again similar experiences happened often happened throughout University. Upon graduating High School I was accepted to do a Law Degree at the top University in Australia and my mother forced me to do nursing because "real Mormon women only need careers that will carry you over until you get married." When I did attend University to do a Nursing Degree my grades were always in the top two students in the class. By the end of the first year I was sitting on straight A's. On the day of the final exam I was involved in a car accident and forced to go home to recouporate over the summer break. When I returned to sit that final first year exam I froze and terms that I was completely familiar with elluded me. I left that exam room and went straight back to my home town and marriedthe first RM who asked me.
I tried to finish this degree on a number of occasion and each time I was met with health problems (primarily pregnancy problems or a brain tumor). When I divorced I tried to gain a Law Degree but found that I always felt guilty that I was leaving the children in childcare or with their nanna so I quit again after the first year. I married again and I started a Psychology degree which I left after I fell pregnant again (our miricle baby because the Dr told us we would not be able to have another baby.)During the pregnancy I took up studying International relations, but a University mistake left me out of the course after taking a semester off.
By this point I felt that I was a jack of all trades and a master of none. I decided to give it one last chance at achieving my dream; to get a University Degree and I attempted to enroll in a teaching degree. To cut a long story short the course was full, but I was able to attend if I enrolled in another degree and just signed up for each of the teaching subjects (then I could transfer over after the first year). No problem, I thought.
I found a Bachelor of Community Education Degree in the same faculty and applied to attend. I was honest during my interview and explained that I was just enrolling so I could transfer accross to teaching at the end of the year. The Course co-ordinator agreed to enroll me if I just took the Bachelor of Community Education subjects for the first term. With a smile on her face she agreed to sign the transfer papers after one semester if I would just give this degree "my all" for one semester. A walk in the park I thought. So I signed up and commence the Bachelor of Education. I stumbled (because my 3 month old baby was very ill after a traumatic birth) and took the first semester off. I started again the very next semester (with an overwhelming fear that I would just quit again). I desided to try to look at this degree differently. It wasn't a 3 year degree; it was one semester at a time. I convinced myself that the degree was just a series of courses that I was doing for one semester. My grades were wonderful and I was accepted into the Honor Society after just one year. I was the first one in my Degree to achieve this in the first year. Everybody praised me and told me how lucky and talented I was. Everybody, except me. Internally I told myself that it was just luck; that I would freeze again; or that it was just a mistake. I convinced myself that I was worthless. As each semester past the fear intensified. I was a mom to 6 children at that stage, attending University full time and working three days a week. The more I took on; the more I tried to sabotage my success. Things did stumble even further when I was harrassed at work. I quit my job and was afraid to leave my room for weeks. My lectures allowed the late submission of my work and I continued on at Uni until I found that these feelings of worthlessness had been intensified when I was verbally abused at work. This all occured during what was to be my final year of Uni and I withdrew from all but one subject. The next year (2010)I tried to undertake my final subjects (a placement) and I found it difficult to feel confident enough to be able to communicate with my supervisor. And when I did try to communicate he often misunderstood what I meant and became offended. He withdrew from his role of supervisor just two months before my project ended (as I was pregnant again and he felt that I should be focused on just staying at home with the children. John had left his job at this time to be a full time Dad for our children to give me the opportunity to complete my degree, so I felt that for two months I would be able to juggle the load.) At this time I was down to my final subject and I became very sick with problems with my tumor and a virus that I contracted just after the birth of our last child. I didn't have a supervisor, I was ill and I convinced myself the race was over.
It was at this point that I was lucky enough to attend a Time out For Women Sydney seminar. Laurel Christenson spoke with such passion on the subject of giving up and quitting. I was inspired by each and every word that Laurel shared.I left that seminar feeling that I could take on the world. Although it has taken me nearly 5 months; I have plodded along trying to meet this goal. My health problems have continued to worsen (although I must wonder if stress is playing a part in this struggle?). A friend from church has suffered from Chronic Fatigue (like I have at the moment, coupled with another unrelated tumor that I must wait for surgery on) and she inspired me to take things one day at a time and not beat up on myself (Thanks, Lauren).
Today I finished that final project (all 20,480 words plus 14 Appendices of it!) I have managed to finish a race that I normally withdraw from. I seized the day and it feels FANTASTIC. I am exhusted from pulling an all-nighter and not sleeping for the past 40 hours, but I don't have to hide anymore; I don't have that project looming over my head. Whatever the future brings I have completed a Degree that I never dreamed that I had the stamina to finish. Even if the lecturer refuses to accept it, because of its lateness (I have medical certificates); I HAVE finished this race!!! One day, I will be up there speaking as a motivational speaker.